


Some Said He Had No Sense Of Humor

by dfcfanfics



Series: DFC's MiracuCrack [12]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Crack, F/M, Happy Birthday To You?, Humor, Parody, The Agrestes Play the Long Game, They'll Never See It Coming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:15:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27143017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dfcfanfics/pseuds/dfcfanfics
Summary: While wandering down in the room containing Emilie's chamber, Nooroo makes a very startling discovery. He reports it to Gabriel... who demonstrates absolutely no surprise. Little does Nooroo know that his day of surprises is just beginning... and what Gabriel truly has in mind, he will never see coming.
Relationships: Emilie Agreste & Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth
Series: DFC's MiracuCrack [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1280609
Comments: 11
Kudos: 76





	Some Said He Had No Sense Of Humor

MiracuCrack #FY16: Some Said He Had No Sense Of Humor

by DFC

(Timeline: Entering Season 4.)

* * *

On a day like any other, Nooroo wandered through the sub-basements of the Agreste Mansion.

 _It is not as if there is anything exciting to do down here,_ he thought to himself. _Hawkmoth's lair is sufficiently repellent to me that I won't go in there voluntarily... so that leaves the area where Emilie rests. Which is not the most pleasant place to be, either... but it beats sitting in the Master's breast pocket all day. Listening to him rant and rave about mindless business affairs is like fingernails on a blackboard._

_I am forbidden from being seen in the main body of the house... so it's here or nothing._

Slowly, he circled around towards the cryogenic chamber that was the focal point of his Master's existence.

 _It is not... awful down here,_ Nooroo conceded. _There is a certain sense of peace. How could there not be? Nothing down here ever changes. Emilie rests and waits, with every single day just like the one before it._

_Perhaps she and I share a kinship of sorts. We are both prisoners of the Master's wishes, of his unbridled ambition, of his unwillingness to accept the inevitable._

He floated over the chamber, to catch a glimpse of the woman inside.

 _But at least I can fly and think, prisoner that I am,_ Nooroo admitted. _Emilie has no such ability. She is frozen in time and space, she is unable to make herself known, she is..._

_...GONE?_

* * *

In his private bedroom, Gabriel Agreste stared at a set of business ledgers for the fifth time, bent on identifying the inaccuracy that had eluded him so far. He felt as if he was on the verge of finding it when a tiny purple being started screaming in his ear.

" _MASTER!_ " babbled Nooroo. "Something _terrible_ and _inexplicable_ has happened! Your wife has _disappeared!_ "

Gabriel glared at Nooroo, unsettled by the unexpected interruption... then smiled. "No, she hasn't," he corrected Nooroo.

"She _has!_ "

"No, she _hasn't_ , _"_ insisted Gabriel, turning back to his records.

"Master... I was _just down there_. I looked in her preservative chamber... and it was _empty!_ "

"Well... of _course_ it's empty," smiled Gabriel, without turning his head. "It's one o'clock."

"And... what happens at one o'clock?" asked Nooroo, feeling as if he was stuck in some sort of bizarre dream.

"I get my shower, that's what."

* * *

A feminine voice made Nooroo whirl around. He gaped in astonishment as a tall, blonde woman exited the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her body and a smaller one around her head.

"I... you... um... _what is going on?"_

Nooroo turned back to Gabriel, pointing at the woman. "That... that is Amelie Graham de Vanily, isn't it?" he gasped.

"Don't be ridiculous, Nooroo. Would my wife's twin sister be parading around my bedroom in only a towel? How incredibly unseemly would _THAT_ be?" scoffed Gabriel. "Be serious."

"I am hallucinating, then. It's the only explanation," worried Nooroo.

"Of course you're not hallucinating, Nooroo. Why are you so surprised that I'm here? This _is_ my bedroom as well, is it not?" the woman grinned. She walked over to Gabriel and kissed his forehead, very gently. "I will meet you downstairs, as always."

"As ever, beloved," beamed Gabriel.

She walked over to a keypad on the rear wall of the bedroom, punched in a six-digit number, turned and waved... and then was gone, as a hidden elevator platform whisked her down and away.

Nooroo sputtered something unintelligible, then flew down and confronted Gabriel, face-to-face. "This is _insane_ ," he shouted. "That was _really_ Emilie Agreste?"

"The one and only," Gabriel replied, nonplussed.

"I have spent _years_ in servitude, creating one horrifying monster after another to fulfill what I thought was your one and only goal. Capturing the Ladybug and Cat Miraculous and using the Wish to revive your wife... but if she's _right there_ , alive and awake... Master, I know that I am yours to command as long as you hold my own Miraculous. But I insist, in the name of all that has ever been held holy, in the name of _common decency... tell me_ what is happening here!"

"As you wish," smiled Gabriel, standing up. "Follow me."

* * *

He strode over to the keypad, punched in a code, and descended with Nooroo flying right behind him.

"You have never used this before, as far as I know," marveled Nooroo. "How long has this been here?"

"Oh, this? Years," Gabriel replied. "When I had the main elevator put in, they offered me a two-for-one deal, and I could not resist. A good businessman knows a bargain when he hears one, and it seemed to me that a secondary access route might come in handy someday."

"But _she_ has used it?"

"Of course she has. You just watched her do that." Gabriel's tone was condescending, as if instructing a small child. "When she has used it, I have either had you in another part of the mansion, or sent you to your box temporarily. I keep you close at hand, Nooroo, but you are not on my person all hours of the day. A man and his wife must have _some_ privacy."

The short ride came to a stop, and a small door opened before them. As Gabriel stepped forward into the next room, Nooroo's sense of wonder redoubled.

"Why... this is a wardrobe, isn't it? These are women's outfits. Sized for your wife, unless I miss my guess," noted Nooroo.

"Indeed. Emilie is making many sacrifices in this, but having her wear the same clothes and undergarments for years on end? That would be wrong on many levels."

Gabriel pushed a button on the wall and a hidden panel opened before them, leading into the room containing what was supposedly - _but it WAS, wasn't it? What else could it be for?_ wondered Nooroo - Emilie's preservation chamber. Darting forward, Nooroo made a beeline for said chamber... which was now occupied by Emilie, resting quietly with closed eyes, as if nothing had changed from previous visits.

"I... don't understand this. Was I dreaming seeing her _not_ here, somehow?" Nooroo wondered aloud. "What trickery is this?"

"Simply this," grinned Gabriel. "My wife is _alive and well._ She has been sleeping down here for the past couple of years in her custom-built chamber. It is climate-controlled, has adjustable cushions for comfort with the touch of a button, and even has wireless Internet. She can call up whatever she likes on a screen above her eyes via voice controls."

"When she wishes to stretch her legs, she simply steps out and does so," he continued. "Who is here to stop her? I am the only regular visitor, and lights go on in the chamber alerting her that the elevator is in use, so she can jump back in as needed. I do not bring company down here often, of course, but it is a precaution just in case."

"So why does she come upstairs?" asked Nooroo.

"There are primitive bathroom fixtures in another hidden chamber... but you would not imagine just how much of a _bastard_ it was to run even that small amount of plumbing down here," shrugged Gabriel. "A working shower was out of the question. The occasional conjugal visit is also a desirable thing, though we have had more of those down here."

"You... do _THAT_ down here?"

"Again... it is perfectly private. Sound does not carry, so we can be as loud as we like. And Emilie's chamber is not only comfortable, but produces a sensual vibration effect with the turn of a dial... sort of like the 'Magic Fingers' that old motels used to offer, but far less tacky," Gabriel grinned.

"Master... you are telling me that Emilie is _choosing_ to live a sequestered life down here, leaving the world not knowing if she was alive or dead. You have claimed to want the Miraculous and the Wish to revive her... but there is no need to revive her," Nooroo wailed. "So what is the point of all of this, then?"

Gabriel struck a pose... that was unmistakably Hawkmoth's posture, even without the costume.

* * *

"Nooroo," Gabriel intoned, "my son is a growing young man, and leads a sheltered life by necessity. When I got my hands on the Moth and Peacock Miraculous, I saw an opportunity to do something quite remarkable. It involved creating a vivid fantasy life for Adrien, one in which a great mystery would slowly unfold before him. Emilie agreed with me as to the magnitude of what would happen, and went into seclusion so as to let it play out over time. And we are nearly at the moment of truth."

"What moment is that?" wondered Nooroo.

"Adrien's 16th birthday."

Gabriel's smile widened. "On that day next month, I will lead him on a merry chase, with clues that hint to my true identity. He will 'discover' that the painting of his mother has a secret that activates the elevator. As he plunges into the depths, his heart will race with fear and uncertainty. He will emerge into this room and walk forward, very slowly, curious as to what treasure or horror lies before him. And he will stare into the face of Emilie's chamber... and see the placid face of his mother."

_"And...?"_

"And all at once, confetti will rain from the ceiling, music will blast from hidden speakers, and his mother will leap out of the chamber and yell 'Happy Birthday, Adrien!'"

The self-satisfaction on Gabriel's face was unbearable to Nooroo. "He very well may soil himself... though I would prefer it if he did not," Gabriel smirked.

* * *

"That's _IT?"_

 _"_ That is it."

Nooroo clasped his tiny head like a stunned monkey. "This entire saga... your becoming Hawkmoth, your terrorizing Paris, your wars against Ladybug and Chat Noir, the lives at risk, the damage done, the time and energy expended in all of this... it is all some kind of elaborate _birthday game?_ "

"Only in part," noted Gabriel. "The birthday merely presents a convenient milestone on which to pull the trigger. A rite of passage for him, if you will."

"By scaring ten years off his life," countered Nooroo.

"He will get over it, surely," Gabriel scoffed. "He will be overjoyed to be reunited with his mother, and that will overwhelm all else."

"And your endless scheming to capture the Ladybug and Cat Miraculous? What would you do with the Wish if you got it?" Nooroo insisted.

"Nothing at all. They are red herrings. The potential harm that the Wish carries with it makes it prohibitively dangerous to use," demurred Gabriel. "I thought that you were aware of that."

"I am... I... I can't..." sputtered Nooroo, losing his mind by degrees. "What is the _REAL_ point of all of this, then, Master? What is your _goal?_ "

"Nooroo," smiled Gabriel, "your presence grants me considerable power. I have no interest in world domination, or in accumulating obscene wealth, or in torturing all who have wronged me. All these things will fade in time, or require far too much work to maintain. No, what I want for myself and my wife is a _legacy_. A story that will carry our names throughout all of history, once it is made clear to the public what has happened. A _title_ , if you will."

"What title is that?" asked Nooroo, reluctantly.

"That of the _Greatest Pranksters in the History of the World_."

* * *

Nooroo was silent for close to a minute, taking that in.

"You..." he muttered, "may be the single worst human being in the known universe. You _and_ your wife. It's debatable."

"What is debatable?" asked Gabriel.

"Who's first and who's second," snapped Nooroo.

"Be that as it may... as your Master, I hereby _prohibit_ you from acting on this knowledge in any way," declared Gabriel. "You will watch this play out... and you will not interfere."

Nooroo's spine crawled in horror as Gabriel retreated to the wardrobe. "Come," Gabriel declared. "I have ledgers to which I must return."

As he dragged his tiny body to his Master's side, Nooroo murmured, "Oh, dear. Oh dear, oh dear, _oh dear."_

* * *

~fin~


End file.
